You may be thinking that that is a funny thing to say. Not funny ha-ha but funny weird…and I don’t care. Mother’s Day is one of the most difficult days for me despite having a baby in my arms for the second year in a row.
I’m jealous. There I said it. I am pretty open and honest about the fact that other mothers cause a lot of jealousy issues. Those who got pregnant easy and quickly and frequently….when I didn’t. Those who had easy pregnancies….when I didn’t. Those who brought all their babies home….I didn’t.
While I enjoyed my day so so very much with Thomas, it’s still a very difficult day that causes a lot of confusing emotions. Especially the fact that Jack was due on Mother’s Day 2014, I have a love hate relationship with the Hallmark Holiday.
I see all the “Its my 1st Mother’s Day” posts and it just turns the knife that is in my heart every single day a bit more clockwise. Last year I received a lot of those “Happy 1st Mother’s Day” comments on my Facebook page and texts/emails yet…it was my 2nd Mother’s Day.
Jack made me a mother. He may not be here to see the product of his work but its the truth. However, his life made me so much more of a mother than I ever could have been without him. Thomas would have had an amazing mom had his brother not come first, but it wouldn’t have been the same mother.
This mother is patient. This mother cries because she is happy more than she is sad now. This mother loves so much deeper than she ever did before. This mother knows how fragile life is. This mother appreciates the world and all its beauty. While this mother is still a nearly complete puzzle missing the one final piece without her first son, time has made it so that the missing piece is now just a corner. Still noticeably missing but not damaging to the puzzle as a whole.
So as we move forward with our year and past Mother’s Day, I will breathe a sigh of relief.
Until next year.