All Things Mommy, Uncategorized

The Art of Letting It Go

I’m trying to take a more real approach to my blog. It is, afterall, a blog about raising an only child. Therefore, I probably should have some posts to read about that, right? Let’s just dive right in. What happens when you want to have another baby but you can’t have one?

As Elsa says… “Let it Go… Let it Go….”    Bitch please. If frozen crystals coming from my fingertips were my biggest problem I’d be “letting it go” all over town.

Unfortunately, I can’t let it go quite so easily. How do you continue your normal day to day life when having another baby takes up so much space in your brain? It’s hard! Babies are everywhere. Every-freakin’-where! Seriously! From your friends and family to random strangers at the grocery store to doctors waiting rooms to your local mom’s groups. The babies themselves don’t make me sad, its just the idea of a baby that makes me sad. I think “Oh that’s such a cute baby. I remember when Thomas was that small…..” and immediately I’m reminded that that experience was a one time deal for me.

I’m not even a year into the world of being OADNBC (One and Done: Not By Choice) and it sucks. It really sucks. I think raising a child and not being able to give them a sibling is more stressful on me then not being able to get pregnant in the first place. Having Thomas shows me all the wonderful things that come with being a mother. It makes me sad that once they’re over, I don’t get a repeat to experience it again. One rolling over, one first smile, one first time crawling, one first steps. If anything else, it’s made me appreciate every advancement and milestone we have together.

I wish I had some great advice for others that are struggling with being OADNBC as well. The only advice I have to give to others in the same boat, and its even still a work in progress for myself, is to live your life and live it in the moment, not in the “If I get pregnant…” moment. For instance, I started holding onto Thomas’ clothes and baby gear to use for a sibling. Eff this. I’m selling it all. Also, the OB/GYN that delivered Thomas is about an hour drive away from my house. I’ve been putting off switching doctors to one closer to my house on that “off chance a miracle might happen and I get pregnant naturally”and I’d need to be under the high risk doctors’ care again.

TMI warning…I only get periods on my own every few years without medication and I’m not sure that I’ve ever ovulated without the assistance of a fertility drug. It took a round of Clomid, 2 IUI cycles, 5 IVF cycles and 2 FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycles to bring my sweet Thomas home. We then attempted a 3rd FET and another round of Clomid to have a living sibling for Thomas without success last summer.

Do you ever feel like slapping yourself silly sometimes? Nah, me either. I digress…

So I’m switching doctors. I’m selling /sold the clothes. No more “What if I get pregnant” because it seriously messes with your brain. Hopefully this new found freedom of thought process will continue and help me move into the acceptance phase of raising Thomas without a living sibling. If it doesn’t then maybe I can move my family to Arendelle so I can live with the ice queen herself and shoot ice crystals at people that ask me when I’m having another baby.vtczp-9gvrq-aaron-burden

 

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10 thoughts on “The Art of Letting It Go

  1. I can’t imagine the heartache you must have, I am so sorry you are faced with this. Though, I must say your attitude is remarkable and the love of your child is very evident. My prayers are with you, and your family.

  2. Good for you for letting it go, so to speak. I am sorry you are going through this but you should be proud of yourself for celebrating your little man. It might not be the life you expected but savoring and enjoying the moments will hopefully help you find peace.

  3. After my second son died at birth, I sold most of my baby things, not believing I’d ever bring a healthy baby home again. It was hard, but also freeing, in a way. Keeping you in my thoughts, and wishing you the best. <3

  4. This is a beautiful post because of how real and raw it is. I think all this advice of living in the moment is so important for those in the same situation!

  5. This was so beautifully written. Please don’t lose hope. I truly do believe that God has his own perfect timing in our lives. Enjoy the time that you have with your little one and focus on living life to the fullest–sometimes when we surrender and accept the way things are, good things start to happen (when we least expect them too). Thank you for being so transparent and real!

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